American marketing types love to affix the word “new” to things. New and Improved. All New. New Release. New Formula. Hell, even Coca-Cola up and went the “new” route, having somehow convinced themselves that selling the world’s most recognizable and successful product was putting the company at a competitive disadvantage.

But whereas Coke idiotically changed its trademark beverage’s taste, most companies will giddily proclaim the freshness of their wares whether or not there is actually anything novel going on inside.

So desperate are they to create the slick sheen of newness that automakers have recently begun dreaming up imaginary genres for their wares to occupy. It isn’t a minivan, it’s a multipurpose vehicle. It isn’t a sedan with a scalp-scraping roofline, it’s a four-door coupe. Wagon on stilts? No, it’s “the world’s first sport-utility wagon” (thanks, Subaru). Just bought a crossover with a tight suspension? I beg your pardon, it’s a Sports Activity Vehicle (BMW). Small truck with four doors and an abbreviated bed? It’s a Sport Utility Truck (Nissan). It’s all marketing doublespeak, it’s nonsense, and it needs to stop.

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Magazine Issue: Winding Road Issue 32